“Very little that is positive is solitary.” -Martin Seligman, Flourish 2011
What we can often forget is the most obvious part of our existence.
How do we get anything done? As leaders we are often charged with lighting a path providing opportunities for those around us. This is true whether in software development like my background, or in any other leadership role, even within a family.
So how do we succeed in business and in life? How do we establish the greatest number of options to help solve problems? How do we really get things done? It’s all about relationships. I want to talk about what this means for us in doing business and how to be a better leader as a result.
” Relationships are how energy and information is shared as we connect and communicate with one another. “- Dan Siegel, Mindsight 2010
We are social beings. Unless you have telepathy you are living in your own world in your head watching your own picture show of reality as you see it. As social beings we are wired to communicate with others to relieve that isolation as part of creating well being for ourselves and others. The currency of relationships is attention: the information, energy and focus we give to others and need from others. We use that currency to get things done in our social world each day and to define our reality.
“Words and ideas are examples of units of information we use to communicate with one another.” – Daniel Siegel, Mindsight 2010
We need to learn how to build a network that supports and sustains us. It is something that goes beyond the moment, beyond the job and beyond a given company. Our network of relationships is part of who we are as human beings. It is up to each of us to learn this truth and to spend the time and attention to nourish those relationships.
We get things done through relationships. I am cursed by a generational tendency to own a responsibility to work to solve things by myself. “I got it boss! You can count on me!”. While I can do a lot of independent work, I never really do it myself. In fact, everything I ever get done is done because of my relationships. I may lead an initiative, but I am always marshaling resources available from my relationships to actually get work done. Yet we often lose sight of this simple fact because the bonds of our relationships are invisible and as such are often out of mind.
Look around where ever you are at the moment. Everything you see within your view has been affected by relationships and in many cases exists only because of relationships between people. Do you live in a community, a village, a city? Do you belong to groups or affiliations? Do you live in a house or an office building? What about the medium that allows you to read what I have written? All of this has been built and created by relationships. Some of those relationships might have been transactional and some likely deeply personal.
Positive relationships are something we need as people in order to create well being. Cited in multiple publications and research studies positive relationships are a foundation for happiness and well being. Our best moments are often those shared with others personally and professionally. Deep fulfilling business relationships give us the ability to work through the best and worst of times as leaders. They are better than the best strategy and tactics, better than the latest research paper and a more important resource for success than even an ever full bucket of gold. Strong positive business relationships fulfill us as social beings and enable us to truly get things done that make a difference.
Amazingly building strong relationships is not taught in our schools. Our most important survival mechanism and success mechanism is not part of a curriculum. We assume that we will learn the skills necessary to build strong relationships, by living our lives with other people. However, we all know that even with the best manners, schooling, social upbringing and advantages, some people still need help developing the skills to build strong relationships. How many people do you know look at networking as some sort of strange activity, rather than a chance to build strong relationships for mutual success?
I know I am still learning at age 44 how to be better at building strong positive relationships. I spent my early years passing the gauntlet of primary and secondary education, learning technical skills followed by establishing myself as an independent and capable person. I had friends and still do, but I didn’t know what that meant to me in a business setting. Could I have real friends at work? I once thought business and personal life needed to be separate in some un-definable way. I always found this thinking conflicted with how I felt and acted. Well the way I would like to think I acted.
We abhor silos in organizations for the problems they create, no less the silos in our life. We live one life. Why not apply the things we learn to our whole selves? I am not telling you to invite everyone from work over for every family member’s birthday party every year mind you. That’s over the top and likely won’t build relationships. Rather we need to understand that relationship development and nurturing are skills that are about who we are as people, not just as business people.
Look around you today and think about the amount of attention you give and you get. Not to create a balance sheet, but to understand you receive back from what you give and to assess how much attention are you giving to nourish your relationships. The more people you can serve well with your attention the more quality relationships you will build in your network. If you are really vigilant and value the people in your relationship network, the returns will come by themselves. We are wired to reciprocate with each other. Done selflessly for the good of others, you will receive back more opportunities to assist you and those in your network than what you give out. It compounds like interest over time. When you experience this you will realize it is all about relationships.
- Friends, colleagues and clients…
- Siegle, D.J. – M.D. (2010) Mindsight:The New Science of Personal Transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books
- Seligman, M. (2011) Flourish New York, NY: Free Press
- Rodriquez, Don Miguel (1997) The Four Agreements. San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing
- Diener, E. and Biswas-Diener R.– (2008) Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Hoboken, NJ:Wiley-Blackwell
- Ben Shahar, T. (2007) – Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment . New York, NY: McGraw-Hill